There is no such thing as loving someone too much.
Someone asked recently that “can you fart in your bf/gf’s presence?” I just smiled and shook my head, remembering the day I was at his place and needed to take a dump. He insisted I left the door open while he watched me do my business then teased me relentlessly about my poop face and how even the air freshener had nothing on the smell .
Bit by bit he started to change, he became impatient, lost his cool more often, although he was having personal problems at the time, I couldn’t help but think there was more to it. But he insisted it was nothing and I tried to believe just that.
One thing God has blessed we ladies with is our sharp instincts. If a girl’s instinct tells her something, more often than not, she’ll be right.
We started having fights about a particular female, he always laughed it off and told me I was just being paranoid, he could never do anything with this female. He even deleted her from his BBM in my presence and deleted her phone number. I just laughed and shook my head.
We made plans to spend some time together for a while, we set a date and everything seemed perfect. Until he had to cancel cos he was sick. I knew he was sick but that didnt stop the hurt and disappointment. I grew cold and quiet towards me. He pinged and called but it was a stilted conversation. I couldn’t hide it.
The next morning, I felt better and decided to holla at him. He wasn’t reading his pings, I called he wasn’t picking up. I began to worry. Maybe his sickness was worse than I thought, how could I have been so insensitive? I felt very bad.
That night I was already out of my mind with worry, I had to call his sibling to ask if he was okay, the sibling hadn’t heard from him either but promised to get back to me.
He replied his pings at midnight saying he was fine then he stopped replying again. No calls from him, nothing.
At this point, I realized it wasn’t the sickness, something else was up. But I wasn’t going to let go without an explanation
On the third day I called his phone and a girl picked it up. It was the female I talked about earlier. I tried to be cool and told her to hand over the phone to him, she said he didn’t want to talk to me and hung up.
I called back and insisted I needed to talk to him. His voice came through and immediately I knew he was high and fucked up. He told me not to call him again. I was stunned.
Now I knew I had two choices. Either let go of my pride for the first time and fight for what I thought was mine or stay cocky and let him go.
I thought of all the times he fought for us to stay together.
All the times I shit on his pride and pissed on his ego.
How he always apologised even when I was wrong.
The times I would say the meanest things but he would take it all in and apologise anyway.
I knew I wasn’t ready to let go, atleast not that way. I knew I had to fight for us this time.
It took all my willpower to rise above the waves of hurt and betrayal, I had made my decision.
I did everything I could to bring him back and he did come back. We talked about everything that happened. He admitted that the frustration had built up to the point that all it took was a minor quarrel and he lost it. He got high and fucked up the whole week, cheated with the girl ofcourse and had walked out of our relationship.
But he was surprised I still kept calling after everything he did. He asked me to forgive him, told him I already have, what was done was done.
I was ready for a fresh start and now I had the chance to do things differently.
It was good for a few days, then he started getting involved in things that diverted his attention. Communication was reduced to just few midnight texts. I loved him but I knew I didn’t want him this way and I accepted the painful fact that when a person leaves, its not quite the same person that comes back.
One of the things I learnt was never to settle for less than I deserve.
While we were chatting one night, I told him he could leave. He immediately called me and asked me to repeat what I said on BBM. After I did, he hung up.
He deleted me from his BBM, unfollowed me on twitter and that was it.
One of my favorite songs “six degrees of separation” by The Script came into play.
“First, you think the worst is a broken heart”
At first I was hurt, then gradually, the hurt turned to anger. I refused to breakdown. Afterall, heartbreaks are a part of life. The pain can only make you stronger.
“What’s gonna kill you is the second part”
The second part was when I started to realise he was truly gone. He threw it all away without a backward glance. No matter how much of a person you think you know, there’s a part of them you will never know.
“And the third is when your world splits down the middle”
Everything started reminding me of him. He was in my dreams every night. There was no escaping the memories. I started getting rid of the evidences. The pictures, the gifts, the songs we both loved. The more I got rid of them, the more things I needed to get rid of.
“Fourth, you’re going to think that you’ve fixed yourself”
I was laughing again, going out, meeting new people. I still carried the memories everywhere but the pain had reduced to a dull ache. I felt truly better about everything.
“Fifth, you see them out with someone else”
For all my resolve, I knew seeing him out with another girl would be too much to handle. Thankfully, that is yet to happen
“Sixth is when you admit you may have fucked up a little”
I could have done things a little differently, perhaps we would still be together. I gave too many rules, I should have loosened up a bit.
His loss though.
Someone was telling me ” you love too hard, it may not always be a good thing”.
I’m still a firm believer in love. Love is a beautiful thing and one thing he has taught me is that the best is yet to come.
I deserve the cream of the crop.
#Np Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri
I sure miss our friendship, I wish I could have that back.
I hold no bitterness or grudge, that is for the weak.
If I had to choose, I would still choose him again and again.
My love for him is like glowing embers, the fire may have gone out but my love still burns red and hot for him.